Growth through motherhood
Growth- it is such an interesting word. It's something that happens so naturally in nature, you plant flowers, you water them, you make sure the soil has the nutrients that it needs, and you watch them grow, grow into the beautiful colors that they were destined to be.
Life is the exact same thing, we grow, we begin as babies, we grow into children, into teenagers and then adults. Navigating each chapter that we are in at the present moment.
Let's go a step deeper, you have now grown into an adult, into a parent and you have children that you are now nurturing and growing as they are growing into their path. You begin as a young parent, not knowing exactly how you are going to do this, feeling the extreme exhaustion in the newborn stage, thinking that you will never get a good night's sleep again.
To the toddler years, when you get the first glimpse of this person that they are evolving into, how it's so cute when they say "no" to you in that adorable 2-year-old voice when you ask them to pick of their toys or when it is time for them to take a nap.
Growing into a full-blown kid- navigating the school age years, learning how to read and do math, trying out different sports and extracurricular activities, learning friendships, what come naturally easy and what is more of a challenge. Being the chauffeur, the team mom, late night dinners after practice, having an endless to do list that you check off nightly to ensure everything and everyone is ready for the next day.
All of a sudden you are in the teenage years, you have grown so much a as a parent, allowing your kids to spread their wings and test out the waters, but still have boundaries so
that you know that they are safe, and giving yourself pep talks that even though you see exactly what can solve your teens problem, you will not come off at the "annoying know it all mom", you just listen as they talk through the current situation they are experiencing. Wanting to just fix whatever they are experiencing so they do not have to feel the hurt that comes along with life- but knowing that a part of growth is them feeling the feels and you not fixing everything.
Then it hits, not only is your oldest 18, but he has also graduated high school. How in the hell did that happen? It was only yesterday I was so tired, but yet so content as I was rocking him back to sleep in his nursery at midnight. Now, 18 years later I am still awake at midnight, but instead of rocking my baby back to sleep, I am tossing and turning in bed, waiting to hear the sound of the garage opening knowing that my baby is home safe for the night, that he had a good time and he made good choices.
In the art and science of manifestation they speak about quantum leaps- a period of time where you make a large timeline jump, you are in one timeline one minute and the next minute you are in another one light years away. I am now recovering from the aftermath of a HUGE quantum leap. 18 almost 19 years ago, I became a mom, my little ginger entered this world with the personality as fiery as his red hair. He was my mama's boy since day one, never wanting me to put him down, I remember crying in my early parent days, because I could not put him down without him crying, he always wanted to be in my arms. Still to this day he has kept that cuddle bug about him, he will still come and give me a hug, just because. He was also such my strong-willed child, wanting things his way, testing my every ounce of patience.
As he was growing up, he would call me the "helicopter mom" because I had high boundaries for him, now that I look back, was it for him or was it for me, because this deep seeded fear that something "bad" was going to happen? (Side note: I did not learn about Human Design until my son was 15, I wish I had the knowledge about how he was designed as he was growing up, but I also know that everything happens for a reason, and I discovered it exactly when I needed to, and I am here to help others learn theirs). I didn't see that fear all those years ago, I just chalked it up to, I was a new mom, and he was my first kid. Any mom feels the same.
Now we are here, 18 years later and my first born, my little ginger has graduated high school. The emotions that I felt leading up to graduation day was off the charts. Graduation was perfect, it was the perfect day and I was so happy and my emotions were so calm- I was actually super proud of myself for that. Then we get to the days after graduation to this present moment. Emotions all over the place again, which has forced me to dive into this shadow head on, for not only my sanity but for the relationship with son.
Pre-graduation it began, that feeling of OMG my baby is graduating was front and center. These last 18 years have not been easy, but they have been filled with so many amazing moments, so much growth that has come from overcoming the hard moments. I began feeling this fear inside me leading up to graduation-- going back to being the helicopter mom, I was trying to control things, when I realized at some point though this journey of being a mom, my role changed from keeping him safe to trusting he is being safe. I had two choices, I could continue down this road I am on, making up horrible situations in my head of what "could" happen to him (again, knowing my human design, knowing that one of my fears I am designed with is fear of the "what if") or confronting this shadow head on and finding that trust that I knew I had inside of me.
One of the things I love about being an energy healer is finding the blocks, the root causes of an emotion of a feeling, releasing that charge and feeling the lightness that it brings. Being able to help others in this sense fills me up with so much joy. The other side of that is I am so fortunate to have the skills to work on myself and my family as well-- which my family is the reason I began this path. Also, being an energy healer means you also need to take care of you and have fellow healers help you, because no matter how talented anyone may be at something, we all need help seeing our blind spots. I knew I needed to combat this shadow, and I knew I needed help. It wasn't one healer, or one tool or one thing that helped me see it was a combination of it all.
One night, I was in a group energy session, and I was chosen to share my block, and I talked about the above, my son graduating, my deep fears etc... and the first thing the healer told me was, why are you spending so much of your energy trying to control? Your son is 18 years old, you lost control of him years ago. What you do have is the power of influence, you speak about that you have a good relationship with your son, that is your power. When you understand that you have influence in his life, but you are not in control of his life, you will begin to move through this fear. Hearing this was so in my face, I had to swallow back the tears that I could feel beginning to well in my eyes. It was so blunt and, in my face, but it was so true. He was 18 years old; he has his own free will. Just like I do in this present moment. Just like I did when I was 18.
Hearing that simple piece was the missing puzzle piece for me. If I kept trying to control everything, to keep everyone "safe" I would end up losing the relationships that I love the most. So, at that moment, I felt a sense of ease, that I have not felt in a while. The thing I love most about my relationship with both of my children is the openness that they both have with me. They both feel safe in telling me the good, the bad and the ugly, and I never ever want that piece of our relationship to change. Even when they tell me something that I am like OMG I don't know what to say or OMG try to keep a straight face, Gina. I am so blessed that they let me into their world.
That night when my son came home, I looked at him, I looked at the man-child with his fiery red curly hair and I was proud. I was proud of the man that he has become. That particular night he went out with a mix of friends and co-workers, the gathering spot was an hour from our house. He came in, he gave me a hug, talked for a couple of minutes then he went up to his room. I went upstairs a bit later, I knocked on his door to say goodnight, he wanted to talk for a couple of minutes, he told me about his night. Told me about a situation that made my stomach cringe, and then told me how he handled it. In that moment was my affirmation that, I am an influential part of his life. That he had to make a choice- and he made the correct choice. I cannot create a bubble around my children to protect them from the yucky things in life, but I do know that we raised them as good people, that we have given them the tools to make the choices that they need to make, so when they have the yucky things that enter their circle, I know they have it in them to make the right decision.
Fast forward to today, one-month past graduation, I am proud of my growth and transformation to the mom I am today. I can say my nerves have calmed down considerably. My son and I still have very open communication. On nights he is out with his friends, and I go to bed, I set the intention that he is safe and making good choices (mindset is 1/2 the battle!). He in his very manifesting generator form has not yet decided what life looks like now that he is graduated-- and I am 100% okay with this. I know that he will accomplish great things in this world.
My son is my first born, he gave me the greatest gift in the world, he made me a mom. I treasure all of those long nights where I fell asleep on the couch with his head on my heart as I rocked him to sleep, just as much as I treasure the nights when he comes home at midnight, comes into my room to tell me that he is home- not because I asked him to, but because he wanted to.
" Letting your kids grow up is kind of like releasing a kite. You hate to see it go, but it looks so beautiful and free as it climbs higher and higher in the deep blue sky" --Susan Gale
xoxo Gina Marie